Mmm ... Shrimp Cocktail!

Ok, let's have a conversation. And by conversation ... I mean a one-sided chit-chat with my computer.

Now that I have shoved my negative feelings about my orientation into a corner to be dealt with later, my brain has acquired this fascination with everything gay. And beyond that, things and people that are explicitly not homosexual (if not just because of mathematical improbability) just gay it up in my head. It'll pass, it's just my brain is notoriously change-adverse and is going a little nuts with all the new perspective.

Prime example. I am currently half-suffering through the last Twilight book (another non-existent post entirely) because I am desperate for anything that isn't a textbook. Given the author's Puritanical views about marriage and pretty offensive gender politics, I am think I am safe in assuming that gay characters aren't going to be written in. But I just can't help that think that Alice is gay. She's in love with Jasper (who I completely do not get) and yada yada. But the way she acts around Bella ... it's really fucking gay.

And if you haven't seen Prop 8: the Musical, go watch. It's pretty great. A lot of people are saying "Too little, too late." But I disagree, I will take anything that might help. Also, we are forgetting the fact that the people that watch this probably voted against Prop 8 anyway. Plus, I prefer to laugh through the dips and this little production is pure, unadulterated awesome.

BFFs With My Dad

Coming out is a right of passage for the gays and by all accounts, I have nothing to complain about. It's almost been a dream in that all the people that I have told couldn't have taken it better and been more supportive.

My dad and I are not really that close. Not because either of us are cruel people or we don't like each other, we just both prefer to play it close to the vest and that leads to lots of small talk. I share what little I do almost exclusively with my mother just because she is more supportive and helpful. That being said, I had been feeling kind of guilty for the past couple of weeks for not telling my dad that I am gay. My qualm wasn't that he would be hurtful or rude, but I was avoiding it because his people skills are lacking and I hate messy situations.

So, I decide that to progress in my life and get to the point that I can make reference to my homosexuality in conversation, it would be unwise and a little rude not to have my dad know. I was just hoping that he would be cool and just say his little fatherly piece and that would be the end of it. But, no ... that would have been too simple.

I invite him to play a couple of hands of gin rummy and we have a good time and laugh ... but I can't do it. So, we have leftover pie ... but I still can't do it. So, we sit down to watch a football game and my leg is just going crazy. (Side note: when I am really anxious, my leg twitches ... I think of it as a soothing mechanism. Like a baby in the car.) Commercial comes on and I turn down the TV. I take a deep breath and lay it out. He sort of freezes and then puts his hand on my knee and tells me that he loves me. Then he says, "Can I ask you some questions?" And I say of course.

He asks if I have ever had a relationship with a woman and I say no. And then he asks how I know. And I don't know how to answer, not because I don't know why I like girls. But because he's my dad and we don't talk and I don't just want to spew out what feels so personal and still so controversial and tender within me. So, I try to answer, but it's nonsensical even to me. And then he asks what I would do if I ever fell in love with a man. I am kind of stunned, but I say that of course it isn't impossible, but not likely. And this goes on for a bit.

And this is where the conundrum lies. Am I offended because his questions seem a little homophobic? Or he just being him ... whatever occurs to him, etiquette be damned, just comes out?

Oh, and you thought it was over. The plot thickens!

I am not sure what possessed him ... possibly the fact that we were having a real conversation for the first time in years and he really cares for me, but he decides that I need to hear his concerns about my life. He didn't frame it that way when he spoke and I very well know that's not really what he meant, but it was just too much. He starts talking about his concerns with my health and that my sleeping patterns worry him. I know that he just wants the best for me and wants me to be happy, but Jesus H. Christ. I was still in delicate conversation mode (also known as sickeningly nice) and tried to validate his concerns because they are legitimate. Not that he meant this, but my the doubts he placed about the "rightness" of my sexuality coupled with the other issues just sent me over the edge and started to cry. I politely excused myself to go to my room. He came in and apologized a few minutes later.

I was a little cold the rest of the weekend, which on one hand I feel bad about. He was just being him, born in a different time and unfailingly honest. But on the other highly-selfish hand, I was upset and wanted to be mad at someone.

I don't know what to do. I am not trying to be BFFs with my dad, but I want to smooth this out a little. I guess I should tell all of him this.

Sweet, Sweet Lovin'

I am in the middle of finals, but there is news to report. So, that will come.

I can hardly sit still because I just can't wait (to be king! ... no) for holiday break to start. I am reading to make sweet, sweet lovin' to my two whores ... sleeping and reading.

Fucking Endless Space Mountain

I drove up to my dad's land in West Virginia this weekend to visit. He's really done a lot with the space already, planting trees and building stuff. It is on the Greenbrier River which is really rugged. The leaves are changing right now and the drive through the mountains was beautiful. His land is in the middle of nowhere ... if West Virginia really has a somewhere. The roads were like fucking endless Space Mountain, so the driving was a little ralph-tastic. We went into the nearest town for great dinner on Saturday night and I was really surprised how mesmerized by the quaintness I was. Were it not for the hills, I would visit a lot more often.

Saturday Night Live was surprisingly good this weekend. When I heard Amy Poehler was gone to see a man about a horse, that I might have to gauge my own eyes with a rusty spoon. But Weekend Update was handled well without her and the little song to her at the end of the segment was so cute. I also loved the Obama Variety Half-Hour ... when JFK tells Obama that he is the true successor to his legacy and Bill comes out and says, "Guys! I am right here." Classic. But my favorite sketch by FAR was "Two A-Holes at an Ad Agency in the 1960s." There were so many Mad Men-dependent nuances that I don't have the time or energy to explain here, but if you enjoy Mad Men, go check out the clip on Hulu. And if you don't enjoy Mad Men, please go rent the DVDs and catch up. It is a fantastic show.

"I thought you might be worried ... about the security ... of your shit."

I finally got up with my long distance friend on Skype and decided to tell her that I was gay. She is bisexual herself and I knew that she would be very accepting. She was and I thanked her kindly and that was really the end of it.

I drove over a few cities to go with a friend to see one of the last live performances of Rent. It was definitely the best time that I have seen it "live." They were able to zoom into who was singing and the action and that really helped. The other time I saw it, our seats were awful and I couldn't make heads or tales of the plot, even though I knew what was supposed to be going on. There was this lady behind us that we swore didn't have functional use of her fingers, but was trying to open a potato chip bag and eat it's contents ... it was loud. I am so glad that I went. The musical was great as always and it was really nice to be so comfortable around a friend you haven't seen in years.

There was a football game on Saturday, our first conference game. I am just going to say that it was raining and the marching band experience was a complete clusterfuck and the resulting repressed anger and frustration has knocked a few years off of my life.

Today, I drove a few more cities over to visit a friend for the day. I got there pretty early and we lounged in Panera for a while with bagels and coffee and then to see a matinee of Burn After Reading (good, but kind of stupid ... you will love it if you dig the Coen Brothers and their dark comedy). More conversation ensued and I tried to just slip in the coming out thing ... but that didn't work. She was a little shocked, I think, but supportive. Then we had dinner out and I drove home.

I found that after I told her that I was gay, I didn't know how to conduct myself. She is the first woman in proximity that wasn't my mother that I told. I am not a touchy-feely person anyway, but I was sure to keep my hands and feet to myself. Maybe I thought that she might think I was hitting on her ... I don't know. I hope in time that being able to hold myself together in these situations will come a little more naturally.

Sexy Glasses Totally Do It For Me

The semester is really starting to kick my ass, so this is going to be a little random and incoherent.

Tina Fey was magic on the opening of Saturday Night Live this weekend. She and Amy Poehler were banoodles. The rest of the show, on the other hand, was all-in-all rather painful. And is it just me or does Tina Fey look more like Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin does?

I gave blood last week at the Red Cross. I love to help, but I can't help but feel a twinge of guilt because of the seemingly discriminatory policies the Food & Drug Administration has towards gay men. I also understand that people are still scared after the AIDS crisis in the 80's and tainted blood doesn't help anyone. Regardless, I will continue to donate because there are people who really need it.

I've purchased part of my Halloween costume. All I will say is that it is rubber and brown and we'll leave it at that.

There are 48 left until the election. Seriously, America. Don't fuck it up this time.

Pregnancy

Not quite the crisis situation I imagined, but exhausting nonetheless. I spent last night making pages apon pages of notes about how I would break it, questions they would ask and what I would say.

I got up early and went to Brian's house for eggs and toast. After we did dishes, I said, "Hey ... can I talk to you before we head out?" So, I sat on the couch and he sat next to me and said, "Are you pregnant?" He totally threw me off my game ... all the notes and planning ... for naught (who the fuck says naught?). Anyway, I squeak out that I love him and that I am gay. He gives me a hug and tells me he loves me. We talk some more and he says he knew I was gay when he saw The L Word on my Netflix queue. I said, "Straight people watch the L Word." To which he said, "The only straight people that watch The L Word are the ones that want to see women having sex."

Then I took a nap.

Mom came home from the store and I helped her put away the groceries. When we were almost done, I took a seat at the breakfast bar and said, "Can I talk to you about something important?" She got way more of the spiel than Brian did about how I loved her and she deserved to know about this aspect of me ... and after much of this, I told her I was gay. She said, "I just want you to be happy." After MUCH more conversation, I found she was totally accepting and almost relieved. I think that she thinks that this direction that my life is moving will help me become a little less tightly wound. And maybe she is right.

Couldn't have asked for better support and I was so glad that I got to do it on my own terms.

Two down, three to go.

Holy Bananas, Batman

Wow. It's early.

I haven't been sleeping at all, so it's been really difficult to concentrate. I haven't done any schoolwork this week because I just can't focus enough to read. I really can't function much longer like this ... it's not good for my body because it makes me achy, but my mind is really going bananas. "Should I really tell her? What if she stops paying for college? What if I am not really gay and this is a phase?" My mother is really accepting, none of this is going to fucking happen and I know that I am really fucking gay, but I am going bat shit crazy playing these scenarios out in my head.

Sorry, I resort to unladylike works when I am extremely whatever (angry, sad, crazy, etc.).

I am hoping that it is going to get better after this weekend. It has to.

Swimmer's Bod

I must say that Hamlet 2 was really entertaining. Steve Coogan is amazing ... totally falling into this drama teacher that thinks he is Robin Williams from The Dead Poet's Society. Sure there was a little controversy for controversy sake, but it was totally indulgent and awesome.

Here is a little cutlet from my favorite little ditty, "You're As Gay As The Day is Long:"

“You’re as gay as the night is dark,
You’re as gay as a unicorn park.”

If you want to see more Steve Coogan doin' it big, I highly recommend Tropic Thunder also. He has a small part and he is good, but the real reason to see it is Robert Downey Jr. explaining to Ben Stiller that as an actor you can't "go full retard."

More of Those Aforementioned Plans

Ok ... so I have made plans. I am going to do it.

As soon as I get of class on Friday, I am driving home for the weekend to tell my mother that I am gay. More specifically, I will taking a test run on Brian, a gay guy friend of mine first, but the purpose of the trip is to tell her.

Avoiding public places is probably a good idea. I am just trying to come out to on person at a time, not a community. I am not expecting a catastrophe, but better safe than sorry, I guess.

Pray for my sanity. Or do an interpretive dance. Whatever occurs to you.

Don't Stop Me Now

I bought my ticket a week ago on Fandango to see the live final performance of Rent. The story is fantasically lovely, so I am going with a friend that has a bit of a love affair with it like I do, so there will be someone else in the theater with a tear on their cheek.

On a incompletely dissimilar note:

I know a lot of people don't feel this way, but for me, Freddie Mercury totally does it right.

Plans

Right now the only real hurdle is for my own acceptance. I have not told anyone in my life that I am gay, but I expect that the majority of the ones I really care about know already and even if they don't, they will be at the very least extremely polite about it. No worries there.

The plan is to come out to the people that are closest to me (parents and a couple of friends) in the coming weeks in hopes of some much needed support.

I'll keep updating on the progress, but hopefully in between there will be a little more light-hearted fare.

Explosion

If you'll just indulge me for another post or two ... I must say these things or I think that I may explode. I am still in an intermittent stage in acceptance and hopefully voicing these concerns will further that cause.

So, I have settled that I am gay. I don't mean that as an absolute definition that will be forever permanent, but I need something concrete to stand on just for right now.

I love the gays. My two closest friends are both some incarnations of queer. I support the LGBT community and their equal treatment with as much conviction as I can possibly muster.

That being said, right now I feel like I don't want to be gay because I am ashamed. I feel like I have let my family down and myself down. I feel like I have done something wrong. Being gay isn't wrong and I know that, but my gayness right now is another way that I have diverged from the path of expectations.

I am just feeling pretty alone right now. It seems ridiculous because about ten percent of the population has or will go through the exact same thing. But honestly, that really isn't a comfort when there isn't someone there to hold you hand a little bit and say it is going to be alright.

Smarty Pants

I am a smart girl. I can form a decent sentence and have an intelligent conversation. I play an instrument pretty well and do a fair amount of reading about politics and history among other subjects.

How could the fact that I am gay escape me for so long?

In high school, I clung to the notion that deep in my core I was an intellectual, an academic. It didn't bother me that I didn't have boyfriends, because I was going to be so happy learning and traveling and discovering. And from what I saw of my friend's high school relationships and parent's earnest, but completely passionless relationship, I really wasn't missing much.

I got to college and everything changed. Of course, I knew the couples that just banged like bunnies, but there were other couples that were getting so much out of each other's ideas and experiences.

I was at the point in my second semester that I woke up everyday with a new thought in my head about who I was and what I was. I toiled and cried and thought and debated ... and I made myself miserable. And for a couple of years after, I denied that I was anything just to avoid the pain of thinking it through.

The past couple of months have been the hardest for me, I think. I have forced myself to confront my sexuality because I am at an age where it's becoming a bit ludicrous to still not at least try to work though these feelings.

Gay Gay Gay

Growing up in North Carolina, I didn't even know what gay was until I was in high school and I saw a news story about a pride parade. I had never met an openly gay person. By the time I had worked it all out in my head that apparently some boys liked boys and some girls liked girls, I was embarrassingly old. It was never an issue of immorality or unnaturalness, it just never occurred to me.

I love my parents. They care for me deeply as I do them, but open discussion wasn't something that we did. Maybe they wanted to let me be my own person, maybe they were just really uncomfortable talking about it or maybe it was a lot of both.

Back to me.

My point is that I grew up sort of just trying to figure it all out by myself. Normally, this is a great thing ... I don't want to be a proxy for my parents views, but I just had nothing to stand on. I didn't know I had options ... I wasn't getting it from them and I certainly wasn't getting it from anyone in my small town.

Ok, stop beating around the fucking bush. Pun unintended, I promise.

I am gay.

Fade In

This blog has faded in and out as it has been needed. Once again, I find myself at an impasse and needing a little creative space to stretch out.