Explosion

If you'll just indulge me for another post or two ... I must say these things or I think that I may explode. I am still in an intermittent stage in acceptance and hopefully voicing these concerns will further that cause.

So, I have settled that I am gay. I don't mean that as an absolute definition that will be forever permanent, but I need something concrete to stand on just for right now.

I love the gays. My two closest friends are both some incarnations of queer. I support the LGBT community and their equal treatment with as much conviction as I can possibly muster.

That being said, right now I feel like I don't want to be gay because I am ashamed. I feel like I have let my family down and myself down. I feel like I have done something wrong. Being gay isn't wrong and I know that, but my gayness right now is another way that I have diverged from the path of expectations.

I am just feeling pretty alone right now. It seems ridiculous because about ten percent of the population has or will go through the exact same thing. But honestly, that really isn't a comfort when there isn't someone there to hold you hand a little bit and say it is going to be alright.