Ok, let's have a conversation. And by conversation ... I mean a one-sided chit-chat with my computer.
Now that I have shoved my negative feelings about my orientation into a corner to be dealt with later, my brain has acquired this fascination with everything gay. And beyond that, things and people that are explicitly not homosexual (if not just because of mathematical improbability) just gay it up in my head. It'll pass, it's just my brain is notoriously change-adverse and is going a little nuts with all the new perspective.
Prime example. I am currently half-suffering through the last Twilight book (another non-existent post entirely) because I am desperate for anything that isn't a textbook. Given the author's Puritanical views about marriage and pretty offensive gender politics, I am think I am safe in assuming that gay characters aren't going to be written in. But I just can't help that think that Alice is gay. She's in love with Jasper (who I completely do not get) and yada yada. But the way she acts around Bella ... it's really fucking gay.
And if you haven't seen Prop 8: the Musical, go watch. It's pretty great. A lot of people are saying "Too little, too late." But I disagree, I will take anything that might help. Also, we are forgetting the fact that the people that watch this probably voted against Prop 8 anyway. Plus, I prefer to laugh through the dips and this little production is pure, unadulterated awesome.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
BFFs With My Dad
Coming out is a right of passage for the gays and by all accounts, I have nothing to complain about. It's almost been a dream in that all the people that I have told couldn't have taken it better and been more supportive.
My dad and I are not really that close. Not because either of us are cruel people or we don't like each other, we just both prefer to play it close to the vest and that leads to lots of small talk. I share what little I do almost exclusively with my mother just because she is more supportive and helpful. That being said, I had been feeling kind of guilty for the past couple of weeks for not telling my dad that I am gay. My qualm wasn't that he would be hurtful or rude, but I was avoiding it because his people skills are lacking and I hate messy situations.
So, I decide that to progress in my life and get to the point that I can make reference to my homosexuality in conversation, it would be unwise and a little rude not to have my dad know. I was just hoping that he would be cool and just say his little fatherly piece and that would be the end of it. But, no ... that would have been too simple.
I invite him to play a couple of hands of gin rummy and we have a good time and laugh ... but I can't do it. So, we have leftover pie ... but I still can't do it. So, we sit down to watch a football game and my leg is just going crazy. (Side note: when I am really anxious, my leg twitches ... I think of it as a soothing mechanism. Like a baby in the car.) Commercial comes on and I turn down the TV. I take a deep breath and lay it out. He sort of freezes and then puts his hand on my knee and tells me that he loves me. Then he says, "Can I ask you some questions?" And I say of course.
He asks if I have ever had a relationship with a woman and I say no. And then he asks how I know. And I don't know how to answer, not because I don't know why I like girls. But because he's my dad and we don't talk and I don't just want to spew out what feels so personal and still so controversial and tender within me. So, I try to answer, but it's nonsensical even to me. And then he asks what I would do if I ever fell in love with a man. I am kind of stunned, but I say that of course it isn't impossible, but not likely. And this goes on for a bit.
And this is where the conundrum lies. Am I offended because his questions seem a little homophobic? Or he just being him ... whatever occurs to him, etiquette be damned, just comes out?
Oh, and you thought it was over. The plot thickens!
I am not sure what possessed him ... possibly the fact that we were having a real conversation for the first time in years and he really cares for me, but he decides that I need to hear his concerns about my life. He didn't frame it that way when he spoke and I very well know that's not really what he meant, but it was just too much. He starts talking about his concerns with my health and that my sleeping patterns worry him. I know that he just wants the best for me and wants me to be happy, but Jesus H. Christ. I was still in delicate conversation mode (also known as sickeningly nice) and tried to validate his concerns because they are legitimate. Not that he meant this, but my the doubts he placed about the "rightness" of my sexuality coupled with the other issues just sent me over the edge and started to cry. I politely excused myself to go to my room. He came in and apologized a few minutes later.
I was a little cold the rest of the weekend, which on one hand I feel bad about. He was just being him, born in a different time and unfailingly honest. But on the other highly-selfish hand, I was upset and wanted to be mad at someone.
I don't know what to do. I am not trying to be BFFs with my dad, but I want to smooth this out a little. I guess I should tell all of him this.
My dad and I are not really that close. Not because either of us are cruel people or we don't like each other, we just both prefer to play it close to the vest and that leads to lots of small talk. I share what little I do almost exclusively with my mother just because she is more supportive and helpful. That being said, I had been feeling kind of guilty for the past couple of weeks for not telling my dad that I am gay. My qualm wasn't that he would be hurtful or rude, but I was avoiding it because his people skills are lacking and I hate messy situations.
So, I decide that to progress in my life and get to the point that I can make reference to my homosexuality in conversation, it would be unwise and a little rude not to have my dad know. I was just hoping that he would be cool and just say his little fatherly piece and that would be the end of it. But, no ... that would have been too simple.
I invite him to play a couple of hands of gin rummy and we have a good time and laugh ... but I can't do it. So, we have leftover pie ... but I still can't do it. So, we sit down to watch a football game and my leg is just going crazy. (Side note: when I am really anxious, my leg twitches ... I think of it as a soothing mechanism. Like a baby in the car.) Commercial comes on and I turn down the TV. I take a deep breath and lay it out. He sort of freezes and then puts his hand on my knee and tells me that he loves me. Then he says, "Can I ask you some questions?" And I say of course.
He asks if I have ever had a relationship with a woman and I say no. And then he asks how I know. And I don't know how to answer, not because I don't know why I like girls. But because he's my dad and we don't talk and I don't just want to spew out what feels so personal and still so controversial and tender within me. So, I try to answer, but it's nonsensical even to me. And then he asks what I would do if I ever fell in love with a man. I am kind of stunned, but I say that of course it isn't impossible, but not likely. And this goes on for a bit.
And this is where the conundrum lies. Am I offended because his questions seem a little homophobic? Or he just being him ... whatever occurs to him, etiquette be damned, just comes out?
Oh, and you thought it was over. The plot thickens!
I am not sure what possessed him ... possibly the fact that we were having a real conversation for the first time in years and he really cares for me, but he decides that I need to hear his concerns about my life. He didn't frame it that way when he spoke and I very well know that's not really what he meant, but it was just too much. He starts talking about his concerns with my health and that my sleeping patterns worry him. I know that he just wants the best for me and wants me to be happy, but Jesus H. Christ. I was still in delicate conversation mode (also known as sickeningly nice) and tried to validate his concerns because they are legitimate. Not that he meant this, but my the doubts he placed about the "rightness" of my sexuality coupled with the other issues just sent me over the edge and started to cry. I politely excused myself to go to my room. He came in and apologized a few minutes later.
I was a little cold the rest of the weekend, which on one hand I feel bad about. He was just being him, born in a different time and unfailingly honest. But on the other highly-selfish hand, I was upset and wanted to be mad at someone.
I don't know what to do. I am not trying to be BFFs with my dad, but I want to smooth this out a little. I guess I should tell all of him this.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Sweet, Sweet Lovin'
I am in the middle of finals, but there is news to report. So, that will come.
I can hardly sit still because I just can't wait (to be king! ... no) for holiday break to start. I am reading to make sweet, sweet lovin' to my two whores ... sleeping and reading.
I can hardly sit still because I just can't wait (to be king! ... no) for holiday break to start. I am reading to make sweet, sweet lovin' to my two whores ... sleeping and reading.
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