"I thought you might be worried ... about the security ... of your shit."

I finally got up with my long distance friend on Skype and decided to tell her that I was gay. She is bisexual herself and I knew that she would be very accepting. She was and I thanked her kindly and that was really the end of it.

I drove over a few cities to go with a friend to see one of the last live performances of Rent. It was definitely the best time that I have seen it "live." They were able to zoom into who was singing and the action and that really helped. The other time I saw it, our seats were awful and I couldn't make heads or tales of the plot, even though I knew what was supposed to be going on. There was this lady behind us that we swore didn't have functional use of her fingers, but was trying to open a potato chip bag and eat it's contents ... it was loud. I am so glad that I went. The musical was great as always and it was really nice to be so comfortable around a friend you haven't seen in years.

There was a football game on Saturday, our first conference game. I am just going to say that it was raining and the marching band experience was a complete clusterfuck and the resulting repressed anger and frustration has knocked a few years off of my life.

Today, I drove a few more cities over to visit a friend for the day. I got there pretty early and we lounged in Panera for a while with bagels and coffee and then to see a matinee of Burn After Reading (good, but kind of stupid ... you will love it if you dig the Coen Brothers and their dark comedy). More conversation ensued and I tried to just slip in the coming out thing ... but that didn't work. She was a little shocked, I think, but supportive. Then we had dinner out and I drove home.

I found that after I told her that I was gay, I didn't know how to conduct myself. She is the first woman in proximity that wasn't my mother that I told. I am not a touchy-feely person anyway, but I was sure to keep my hands and feet to myself. Maybe I thought that she might think I was hitting on her ... I don't know. I hope in time that being able to hold myself together in these situations will come a little more naturally.

Sexy Glasses Totally Do It For Me

The semester is really starting to kick my ass, so this is going to be a little random and incoherent.

Tina Fey was magic on the opening of Saturday Night Live this weekend. She and Amy Poehler were banoodles. The rest of the show, on the other hand, was all-in-all rather painful. And is it just me or does Tina Fey look more like Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin does?

I gave blood last week at the Red Cross. I love to help, but I can't help but feel a twinge of guilt because of the seemingly discriminatory policies the Food & Drug Administration has towards gay men. I also understand that people are still scared after the AIDS crisis in the 80's and tainted blood doesn't help anyone. Regardless, I will continue to donate because there are people who really need it.

I've purchased part of my Halloween costume. All I will say is that it is rubber and brown and we'll leave it at that.

There are 48 left until the election. Seriously, America. Don't fuck it up this time.

Pregnancy

Not quite the crisis situation I imagined, but exhausting nonetheless. I spent last night making pages apon pages of notes about how I would break it, questions they would ask and what I would say.

I got up early and went to Brian's house for eggs and toast. After we did dishes, I said, "Hey ... can I talk to you before we head out?" So, I sat on the couch and he sat next to me and said, "Are you pregnant?" He totally threw me off my game ... all the notes and planning ... for naught (who the fuck says naught?). Anyway, I squeak out that I love him and that I am gay. He gives me a hug and tells me he loves me. We talk some more and he says he knew I was gay when he saw The L Word on my Netflix queue. I said, "Straight people watch the L Word." To which he said, "The only straight people that watch The L Word are the ones that want to see women having sex."

Then I took a nap.

Mom came home from the store and I helped her put away the groceries. When we were almost done, I took a seat at the breakfast bar and said, "Can I talk to you about something important?" She got way more of the spiel than Brian did about how I loved her and she deserved to know about this aspect of me ... and after much of this, I told her I was gay. She said, "I just want you to be happy." After MUCH more conversation, I found she was totally accepting and almost relieved. I think that she thinks that this direction that my life is moving will help me become a little less tightly wound. And maybe she is right.

Couldn't have asked for better support and I was so glad that I got to do it on my own terms.

Two down, three to go.

Holy Bananas, Batman

Wow. It's early.

I haven't been sleeping at all, so it's been really difficult to concentrate. I haven't done any schoolwork this week because I just can't focus enough to read. I really can't function much longer like this ... it's not good for my body because it makes me achy, but my mind is really going bananas. "Should I really tell her? What if she stops paying for college? What if I am not really gay and this is a phase?" My mother is really accepting, none of this is going to fucking happen and I know that I am really fucking gay, but I am going bat shit crazy playing these scenarios out in my head.

Sorry, I resort to unladylike works when I am extremely whatever (angry, sad, crazy, etc.).

I am hoping that it is going to get better after this weekend. It has to.

Swimmer's Bod

I must say that Hamlet 2 was really entertaining. Steve Coogan is amazing ... totally falling into this drama teacher that thinks he is Robin Williams from The Dead Poet's Society. Sure there was a little controversy for controversy sake, but it was totally indulgent and awesome.

Here is a little cutlet from my favorite little ditty, "You're As Gay As The Day is Long:"

“You’re as gay as the night is dark,
You’re as gay as a unicorn park.”

If you want to see more Steve Coogan doin' it big, I highly recommend Tropic Thunder also. He has a small part and he is good, but the real reason to see it is Robert Downey Jr. explaining to Ben Stiller that as an actor you can't "go full retard."

More of Those Aforementioned Plans

Ok ... so I have made plans. I am going to do it.

As soon as I get of class on Friday, I am driving home for the weekend to tell my mother that I am gay. More specifically, I will taking a test run on Brian, a gay guy friend of mine first, but the purpose of the trip is to tell her.

Avoiding public places is probably a good idea. I am just trying to come out to on person at a time, not a community. I am not expecting a catastrophe, but better safe than sorry, I guess.

Pray for my sanity. Or do an interpretive dance. Whatever occurs to you.

Don't Stop Me Now

I bought my ticket a week ago on Fandango to see the live final performance of Rent. The story is fantasically lovely, so I am going with a friend that has a bit of a love affair with it like I do, so there will be someone else in the theater with a tear on their cheek.

On a incompletely dissimilar note:

I know a lot of people don't feel this way, but for me, Freddie Mercury totally does it right.

Plans

Right now the only real hurdle is for my own acceptance. I have not told anyone in my life that I am gay, but I expect that the majority of the ones I really care about know already and even if they don't, they will be at the very least extremely polite about it. No worries there.

The plan is to come out to the people that are closest to me (parents and a couple of friends) in the coming weeks in hopes of some much needed support.

I'll keep updating on the progress, but hopefully in between there will be a little more light-hearted fare.

Explosion

If you'll just indulge me for another post or two ... I must say these things or I think that I may explode. I am still in an intermittent stage in acceptance and hopefully voicing these concerns will further that cause.

So, I have settled that I am gay. I don't mean that as an absolute definition that will be forever permanent, but I need something concrete to stand on just for right now.

I love the gays. My two closest friends are both some incarnations of queer. I support the LGBT community and their equal treatment with as much conviction as I can possibly muster.

That being said, right now I feel like I don't want to be gay because I am ashamed. I feel like I have let my family down and myself down. I feel like I have done something wrong. Being gay isn't wrong and I know that, but my gayness right now is another way that I have diverged from the path of expectations.

I am just feeling pretty alone right now. It seems ridiculous because about ten percent of the population has or will go through the exact same thing. But honestly, that really isn't a comfort when there isn't someone there to hold you hand a little bit and say it is going to be alright.

Smarty Pants

I am a smart girl. I can form a decent sentence and have an intelligent conversation. I play an instrument pretty well and do a fair amount of reading about politics and history among other subjects.

How could the fact that I am gay escape me for so long?

In high school, I clung to the notion that deep in my core I was an intellectual, an academic. It didn't bother me that I didn't have boyfriends, because I was going to be so happy learning and traveling and discovering. And from what I saw of my friend's high school relationships and parent's earnest, but completely passionless relationship, I really wasn't missing much.

I got to college and everything changed. Of course, I knew the couples that just banged like bunnies, but there were other couples that were getting so much out of each other's ideas and experiences.

I was at the point in my second semester that I woke up everyday with a new thought in my head about who I was and what I was. I toiled and cried and thought and debated ... and I made myself miserable. And for a couple of years after, I denied that I was anything just to avoid the pain of thinking it through.

The past couple of months have been the hardest for me, I think. I have forced myself to confront my sexuality because I am at an age where it's becoming a bit ludicrous to still not at least try to work though these feelings.

Gay Gay Gay

Growing up in North Carolina, I didn't even know what gay was until I was in high school and I saw a news story about a pride parade. I had never met an openly gay person. By the time I had worked it all out in my head that apparently some boys liked boys and some girls liked girls, I was embarrassingly old. It was never an issue of immorality or unnaturalness, it just never occurred to me.

I love my parents. They care for me deeply as I do them, but open discussion wasn't something that we did. Maybe they wanted to let me be my own person, maybe they were just really uncomfortable talking about it or maybe it was a lot of both.

Back to me.

My point is that I grew up sort of just trying to figure it all out by myself. Normally, this is a great thing ... I don't want to be a proxy for my parents views, but I just had nothing to stand on. I didn't know I had options ... I wasn't getting it from them and I certainly wasn't getting it from anyone in my small town.

Ok, stop beating around the fucking bush. Pun unintended, I promise.

I am gay.

Fade In

This blog has faded in and out as it has been needed. Once again, I find myself at an impasse and needing a little creative space to stretch out.