I am a smart girl. I can form a decent sentence and have an intelligent conversation. I play an instrument pretty well and do a fair amount of reading about politics and history among other subjects.
How could the fact that I am gay escape me for so long?
In high school, I clung to the notion that deep in my core I was an intellectual, an academic. It didn't bother me that I didn't have boyfriends, because I was going to be so happy learning and traveling and discovering. And from what I saw of my friend's high school relationships and parent's earnest, but completely passionless relationship, I really wasn't missing much.
I got to college and everything changed. Of course, I knew the couples that just banged like bunnies, but there were other couples that were getting so much out of each other's ideas and experiences.
I was at the point in my second semester that I woke up everyday with a new thought in my head about who I was and what I was. I toiled and cried and thought and debated ... and I made myself miserable. And for a couple of years after, I denied that I was anything just to avoid the pain of thinking it through.
The past couple of months have been the hardest for me, I think. I have forced myself to confront my sexuality because I am at an age where it's becoming a bit ludicrous to still not at least try to work though these feelings.
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